Saturday, December 19, 2009

Voting Results - Please Read All!


News just in. Clean Shave has beaten sitting the sitting MP, Shaggy Beard, to claim the right to represent John’s Face.  After three days frantic discussion, debating and voting, the people of ‘Friends List’ have made their voices clear.  The need for change was clear, the people had mandated it and it was up-to the democratic mechanisms to follow through.

As the handover of power occurs (pictured above), people were given the chance to muse upon the reason for the change in fortune.   At first it was thought that water warming, recently increasing due to replacement of the boiler, was the reason for change.  However this was only a catalyst for peopel to examine the true impact of John's Beard.  D.Bradwell, long time friend of the constituency, recalled the words of Cromwell and Churchill when asked the opinion of now-departed Shaggy, ‘In the God, Go’*.  Similar passion was on the side of the clean shave skeptics who often talked of how they had benefitted from representation by Shaggy Beard.  However, the votes were staking up and from last night onwards it looked clear that the time for action was here.  Due to misplacement of the returning office, Ms Shav Ing Cream, some feared that the result would just be ‘noted’, meaning action wouldn’t have to be taken and the whole exercise would have been wasted. Thankfully the people of Johns Wallet stepped in and facilitated trade with Midlands Cooperative to ensure justice was delivered.

During the three days, discussion had been varied. While some saw a preferred outcome of chemical enhancement of the sitting MP, no one was doubting the science indicating something had to happen.  After months of itching, and catching on the top of John’s Jumper (always a troublesome neighbour), the need to act was there.  This was furthered proved by many people who often see Johns Face advocating the need for change.  The question was, would ‘Friends List’ have the guts to make a good strong decision? Thankfully they did.  At the same time, the neighbouring constituencies of Mutton and Chop saw their sitting representatives returned, albeit with trimmed majorities.

In other news, world leaders gathering at Copenhagen had an equally stark choice to make. Either they made moves to save the future of the planet, and legally oblige themselves to stick to such plans, or they condemn the world’s poorest to suffer for the right of the rich to pollute.  Unfortunately, unlike the result from John’s Face, the result was not as clear.  While thousands outside the venue, and many more around the world, watched for a sign of leadership and commitment, what was returned was ‘more of the same’.   Developing countries were left distraught as the status quo was returned meaning ‘further discussions’ would be needed to get somewhere.

[Edit: Since this story was published, the author noticed that the quote should have read "In the name of God, Go"... this was an editing error and I'm happy to confirm D Bradwell gave the correct quote to start with]
Take Care Y'All



  1. Anonymous9:53 pm

    Not Churchill, I don't think: Leo Amery.
    How does Clean Shave feel in his new position? I think you might have quoted from his victory speech!

  2. Alan ashton10:11 pm

    slap it on all over....let's hope Santa Claus brings some of that good old fashioned Brut that 'Enry thought was so wonderful.

    Go on then John, slap it on all over mate!

  3. Anonymous12:32 am

    Could the beard not just have emigrated? I'd be quite happy to offer it asylum, in return for it contributing to its host by keeping the snow off my face.
    - Ceri

  4. Anonymous8:24 am

    Nice. All highly amused at this end. Don't even get me started about Copenhagen tho....

  5. Anonymous8:51 am

    Great news John! I don't know very much about politics but luckily I work near Westminster, so I was able to go and ask the opinions of some of the people that do!

    Gordon Brown: "Well done John! You have rightly spotted that major controversial actions are always best left until after an election."

    David Cameron: "Congratulations John on taking such decisive action. We in the conservative party have also been talking about decisive action and definitely probably intend to take some in the future about something (maybe)..."

    Nick Clegg: "Merry Chritsmas!" (there was no point asking his opinion as he's never going to get elected anyway, so I just said "hi")

    Nick Griffin: "I do not believe that there ever was a beard, or that this mythical beard has been shaved off. If you look at the so-called 'scientific evidence' for John's beard you'll see that it is deeply flawed..."

    I was also going to talk to the leader of the Green party but sadly I didn't know who that was.

  6. Anonymous8:53 am

    (I should probably add an addendum that those quotes are of course fictional, before I get sued!)

  7. Ward J9:50 pm

    good to know the ayes have it (and the chins for that matter). Pink wouldn't have suited you. Think how more swiftly you will mocve throught the world without that speed sapping fluff.